Parenting support for Defence families

The impact of military life on families 

For Defence families, frequent relocations, long periods of absence due to training or deployments, and constant disruptions to routines can affect the emotional wellbeing of both parents and children.  

For current and ex-serving personnel, the effects of trauma, mental health or physical injury can add another challenging layer to the family dynamic. Partners, affected by isolation, may find the additional burden of managing the household during deployment absences can increase strain on the family unit. 

When family separation or divorce occurs, these stressors can intensify, making the co-parenting journey feel like a roller coaster with a number of emotional and logistical challenges.  

Some common issues include: 

• disagreements over routines, rules or discipline 
• poor communication or lack of consistency 
• frequent changes to the parenting schedule 
• differing parenting styles or values 
• emotional instability due to ongoing conflict
• financial disputes
• difficulties introducing new partners
• imbalanced routines between households.

Even in Defence family environments, a stable and supportive co-parenting approach is possible. 

The effects of co-parenting on children 

While separation may bring up feelings of grief, loss or conflict, fostering a co-operative dynamic between co-parents helps children feel secure and resilient. When positive co-parenting behaviours are not modelled by parents, children may experience additional challenges to their mental, emotional and social wellbeing. 

Research has shown that children in these situations are at a greater risk of developing disruptive behaviours, low self-esteem, anxious or depressed moods, and, particularly in adolescence, engaging in risky behaviours.  

During separation, it’s essential that both parents work together to create a respectful, supportive and stable environment. Children thrive when they feel safe, heard and loved and it requires both parents to prioritise the emotional wellbeing of their child during what can be a difficult and uncertain time. 

Helpful co-parenting strategies 

To minimise the emotional impact of co-parenting challenges: 

• avoid using children as messengers between parents 
• maintain open, respectful communication – even when it’s hard 
• pick your battles and stay focused on your child’s best interests 
• use “I” statements instead of allocating blame (e.g., “I feel concerned when...”) 
• seek mediation or professional guidance when conflicts persist 
• remain flexible, especially in times of change or uncertainty. 

When facing the realities of military service, establishing a parenting plan can also help address the challenges of co-parenting arrangements. The plan should cover: 

• parenting schedules 
• communication expectations 
• decision-making processes 
• plans for managing unexpected absences. 

Separation is emotionally demanding, and it’s normal to feel hurt, overwhelmed or uncertain. Prioritising your own emotional wellbeing is not selfish – it’s essential – and will play a key role in supporting your children.  

This could look like: 

• speaking with a therapist to process emotions and develop appropriate coping strategies 
• connecting with others who have experienced similar challenges 
• maintaining routines to create stability and predictability 
• looking after your physical health, including sleep, nutrition and exercise 
• establishing healthy boundaries in your co-parenting relationship. 

Over time, with patience and consistency, co-parenting can become more manageable. Allow space for emotions to settle, and focus on building new, positive patterns in your family relationships.  

Support at Mates4Mates 

The mental health team of psychologists, social workers and counsellors at Mates4Mates are available to provide confidential and individual assistance for veterans experiencing parenting and family challenges.  

With clinicians located at Veteran & Family Wellbeing Centres across Australia, telehealth appointments are also available.  

Mates4Mates also offers a range of social connection activities, providing an opportunity for veterans and their partners to connect with like-minded others in a safe and supportive environment.    

For more information about Mates4Mates services and how we can help to support you, reach out to us on 1300 4 MATES (62 837) for a confidential chat. 

Other co-parenting resources include: 

• Emerging Minds: Supporting Separating Parents  
• Soldier On Parenting Programs  
• Defence Pay and Conditions: Shared Care  
• Separated parents – Services Australia  

Written by Stacey Gillam, Mates4Mates Counsellor