When emotions feel overwhelming: understanding emotional regulation

What emotional regulation looks like

We all experience moments of anger, frustration, sadness or stress. But when emotions feel overwhelming, more intense than expected, or become difficult to move on from, it could be a sign that emotional regulation is becoming a challenge.

Effective emotional regulation skills allow us to recognise and respond appropriately to stressors and challenges, without becoming more distressed than a situation warrants.

That doesn’t mean that we have to ignore difficult emotions or feel that we can never get upset though, and being upset about something might be a completely appropriate and understandable response in the situation.

However, someone experiencing difficulties with emotional regulation might find that they respond in ways that feel out of proportion, become overwhelmed easily or find it difficult to calm down after a period of distress.

Over time, these challenges can affect our personal and social relationships and our work, as well as impacting on our overall wellbeing. Family, friends or colleagues might become unsure about what could trigger a strong reaction, creating a feeling of “walking on eggshells”, while the person themselves might experience guilt or shame about how they responded.

Challenges for veterans

For current and ex-serving Australian Defence Force members, military training and experiences can shape how the mind and body respond to stressful situations.

In high-pressure situations, the body may become more alert and ready to act. These responses can be protective and effective during service, but they may be harder to switch off in everyday life.

Some veterans may also have learned to set their emotions aside to focus on the task at hand. Trauma, operational stress and the uncertainty of transitioning to civilian life can make it more difficult to recognise, understand and manage emotional responses.

Learning to respond differently

Healthy emotional regulation allows us to respond proportionally to an event or situation. And the good news is that emotional regulation skills can be learned and strengthened.

The aim is not to avoid being upset or distressed but instead to increase our ability to more effectively identify and understand emotions in the moment and choose more helpful, appropriate and proportionate responses.

Developing these strategies could include learning to pause before reacting, using calming or mindfulness strategies, and developing assertive communication skills.

Immediate tips that can help when someone is experiencing emotional dysregulation include:

• focusing on slow, deep breathing,
• a cool towel on the back of the neck,
• or naming the emotions being experienced (e.g. naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste).

Other helpful strategies to practice if you are finding it hard to manage emotions in the moment might be to count backwards, recite something familiar or practice progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) – tensing and then releasing different muscles in your body.

While these learned behaviours may take time and practice to develop and improve, they don’t need to be achieved alone. Seeking professional support from a psychologist can help someone better understand their emotional responses, build practical skills and identify strategies that work for them.

Support at Mates4Mates

For veterans and their families experiencing these challenges, Mates4Mates mental health clinicians provide a safe space to talk about what's happening and explore what support may help.

When someone first connects with a clinician, they take the time to understand their individual challenges. From there, the clinician and veteran or family member can develop a plan focused on practical emotional regulation skills and stronger coping strategies.

While reaching out can seem daunting, it’s important to remember that experiencing challenges with emotional regulation is not a personal failure – it's a practical step towards understanding, making changes and developing strategies that can make life feel more manageable.

To find out how Mates4Mates can help support you, contact us on 1300 4 MATES (62 837) for a confidential chat.

Written by Clare Mitchell, Mates4Mates Clinical Program Manager